There is more to farting than meets the eye, or for that matter ear! And it met my eyes when recently I was watching this commercial of Vodafone. In this ZooZoo ad, a celebrity steps out of his (his because it is suggestively Bappi Lahiri) car, and right then makes the social gaffe of farting. So in that moment it struck me.

Much has been written on sugary-sweet topics of love and romance but half as much literature has been dedicated to the clumsy idea of farting. But let me tell you something, not everyone in life walks on the path of love, but I would bet my best fart on it, that if everyone during their lifetime records their each fart, the compilation at the time of their death would be lengthy enough to beat the runtime of Return of The King! So here, let’s take a plunge in the world of farting.

Let’s start with the definition. Fart, in my opinion, is a piece of music that nobody wants to listen to, but everybody has to play. Yes, there is a universal atrocity prevailing towards farting. So much so that once in a bizarre incident in West Virginia State of US a man was held for farting on a police officer. In another such oddball episode, a man in Baltimore city of US was formally reprimanded in a 5 page letter for shooting farts at work place. Thus evidently even if there is no country listing farting as a criminal offense, consequences of farting surely levels a criminal offense. If you fart in public place, people will stare at you as if you are a disciple of He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Named. Some people even believe that it is far better to have a cat cross your path than to have a fart cross your anus! There is an undefined guideline of instances when you cannot fart. For example farting during interview is as good as farting on your job offer, farting during sex makes you lose boner (i.e. if you are not on Viagra). The list of fart-makes-you-loser moments, finds no end. But enough with the negativities of farting! Let’s take a less travelled route and peep into its positivities as well.

No matter how rich or poor you are, no matter what status you hold in the society, fart treats everyone with equal respect. Or disrespect. This way, it teaches us lessons of equality; something such that in the achievement of what even the most sacred religious scriptures have met with debacle. See, there is always a flipside to everything. In fact, I have read somewhere that farting after a meal is received as a compliment in some parts of china and Japan. But of course, try it at your own risk; funny advices don’t come with warranty cards.

Fart can also be used figuratively in the war against pollution. How? Some time ago a Chinese millionaire pulled a bizarre yet tongue-in-cheek stunt. To give a wakeup call to people about the rapidly increasing pollution, he manufactured and sold fresh air cans at a price of 80¢ per can. A variety of flavors were named such as Pristine Tibet, Post Industrial Taiwan etc. Next day leading tabloids around the world published photos of some Chinese people drinking fresh air from the cans. But there is a strong belief that people tend to react more aggressively when they come into contact with negative energy. So why not expose them to air filled with foul-smelling farts? Of course, that sounds disgusting and no one would volunteer to take part in such a nose-terrifying stunt. But that’s the point, first you make them suffer fart-attack then preach that if not stopped, pollution will make air unbreathable.

Ok, if you ask why not sell polluted air straight away, well, simply because it is noxious and harmful to health. On the other hand foul-smelling-farts are pretty much innocent!!

I have a lot of things to talk about farting, like when to fart and when not to, how to recognize farting alerts (of course one’s own) etc. etc. But that I will continue some next time. I think this much dose of farts is enough for a while!

By the way, in homeopathy, people say that if a substance can cause certain symptoms in a healthy person, the same substance can also cure symptoms in a sick person. Does it mean that a frequent-farter can be cured if left vulnerable to smell own farts?