The best time to read this piece is on a Sunday evening, and if you’re recently married or recently single, even better.

Also, if you’re celebrating any small victories today like a good shoe day, your joke invoking non-pity laughs or having put away a packet of chips for later, I suggest you revel in your joy.

Because this is hard-core ranting, my need of the hour to thrust some pessimism, nihilism and altruism down your throat. Why altruism? Because what I say to you next is the ultimate truth laid down upon the universe’s massive blueprint in tiny subtext somewhere, and i’m really doing you a good one by making you see it like it is. So read on (unless you’re somebody I whatsapp everyday- you’ve already had too much to hear of this).

Lets talk about the time when the universe gave us all a giant middle finger. Men and women cast together to coexist. We were carefully constructed and fiddled with, and we learnt to adapt every second so we could get along with one another and make sweet/rough/inappropriate love in order to remain relevant. And we were wired differently. Amongst all the other crap, that’s the cruelest act of all. To render us unable to cope with the constant discrepancies in our interactions with one another. I’m talking about real issues that cause separations, like refusing to lie to one another, honest opinions of Murakami or where to eat tonight. These are either the most complicated challenges presented for peaceful coexistence of the sexes, or the most unimportant.

Because, who are we anyway? The boy and girl copulating under the stars on a seemingly extra-ordinary night? Water and dust. Just programmed to mimic our pre-engineered prototypes distributed about in society, cultivating personality to propagate notions of diversity. Remnants and gathered pieces of blood matter of the cycle flows of elements on an ordinary planet, part of a very regular solar system located in a very ordinary galaxy of a vast universe that’s forever expanding. Are we creatures of volition any different from our parents?

We’re in so much trouble. Cast into this world to just play ourselves out. What’s worse, we have this universal and insatiable need to reach out, to belong. To share, to touch, to feel. But this world is a fish bowl. Everybody is more standardised and fleeting than you believe. You meet new faces but you’re just running into yourself in a loop like a jammed cassette tape that is as futile as a CD is now. And it’s so much worse now for the new-age man and the new-age woman. It’s a dizzying circle spiral- not the cool one like in a Bond movie intro, but one reminiscent on Hitchcock’s marooning and desperation. The laws of attraction are no longer like Alex Turner’s lyrics- ridiculously simple and overwhelmingly heady at the same time. The art of seduction is the art of manipulation.

I think we all need new hearts, we pawned our real ones for smarts.